Doubt

I claim joy. I claim happiness, success, favor and bounty. Love and wealth are mine.

I call it faith, others may call it positive thinking. I don’t believe in allowing the public to know my personal sadness or disappointment. I will live my life as if it is everything is perfect – and more – in an effort to claim and enjoy my best self.

Always a smile on my face.

But the truth is, I have doubt. I doubt that I have enough parenting/leadership experience to guide a child. I doubt that I’m strong enough, willing enough to help someone else. I doubt that my intentions are enough.

Am I doing this out of loneliness? Am I doing this to fill a void? What is the “right” motivation to have in order to become a foster parent?

I am uncertain if I’m ready to become a foster parent.

My second home interview is scheduled for early February. I am scared of what more the social worker will ask. The first interview was difficult and revealing. For real? She's going to dig deeper? I have laid my soul and my home open for the Department of Social Services. I'm not sure how much more I have to give before giving up.

Two friends have recently told me that single parenting is hard, difficult, frustrating, exhausting work. Both asked me if I am ready. And honestly, I told them I don’t know.

What am I doing? Is this right? Are my reasons selfish? Am I still pursuing this out of a fear of failure? Can I help someone grow and heal when I have more development of my own to do?

I am scared. And I have doubt.

Fire Safety Inspection

 The above video isn't really how it went down. I just like the levity.

The inspection was scheduled for 8:30 this morning. But by 8:50, the inspector hadn't arrived nor had he called. When I called the fire station, he had a convoluted story about how he was acting chief today, there were unforseen delays, yadda yadda yadda. Ummm, would have helped if he'd called and told me that he was running late. It was a good thing that I told my job that I might be late.

Anyway, the inspection lasted approximately 20 minutes. The inspector basically checked to make sure that I had certain items in the home: smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detector and fire extinguisher. The inspector didn't actually check whether any of these items worked. I got "bonus" points for having a sprinkler system. The inspection was more of a learning lesson for me because the inspector showed me how to turn off my sprinkler system (in case it's accidentally set and water pours into my home). And I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that in the nearly 6 years that I've been in my condo, I never knew that my windows open into the home for easy cleaning!

My windows are large enough for a fire fighter to enter the home, wearing equipment, and they're large enough for us to escape easily. And that's that. I passed with flying colors!


"What's next?" you may wonder. More waiting. Waiting for the social worker to interview my personal references. Waiting for the social worker to ask more probing questions about my life. And waiting. 


I think I have the patience of Job.

Home Interview

This post is two weeks overdue. The home interview went very well. Although my social worker warned that it would take 2-3 hours, it only lasted 1 hour and 10 minutes (my mom timed it).

The social worker reviewed a questionnaire I'd filled out about my childhood. The questions were deeply invasive. She asked why my parents divorced and how it affected me. I told her about growing up with stepbrothers and my mother's second divorce. We talked about the sexual abuse I experienced in my childhood and how I healed. She wanted to know about the drug and alcohol abuse by some of my family members. We talked about my strained relationship with my siblings. We even discussed when I lost my virginity.

Whew. Some of the interview was difficult because I had to recall painful experiences. And my mom was in the guest bedroom with Maxwell, so at times I lowered my voice. I almost felt like a child airing our dirty laundry.

After the interview, the social worker took a 3 minute tour of the condo and finally met Maxwell – who growled and cried because he was locked in the room away from me. She checked my closets (which was weird), the fire extinguisher and smoke detectors.

This is only part one of the home interview. She told me that she's juggling 6 active cases before she would begin interviewing the rest of my training class. The Dept. of Social Services is in a rush to interview new adoption/foster families before the launch of a marketing campaign for more families.

This stage will take 2-3 months. But I'm at a crossroads. Now is the time when I really need to decide what age and sex I want to take. Once I'm approved, the process will finally speed up and I need to be ready.