Doubt

I claim joy. I claim happiness, success, favor and bounty. Love and wealth are mine.

I call it faith, others may call it positive thinking. I don’t believe in allowing the public to know my personal sadness or disappointment. I will live my life as if it is everything is perfect – and more – in an effort to claim and enjoy my best self.

Always a smile on my face.

But the truth is, I have doubt. I doubt that I have enough parenting/leadership experience to guide a child. I doubt that I’m strong enough, willing enough to help someone else. I doubt that my intentions are enough.

Am I doing this out of loneliness? Am I doing this to fill a void? What is the “right” motivation to have in order to become a foster parent?

I am uncertain if I’m ready to become a foster parent.

My second home interview is scheduled for early February. I am scared of what more the social worker will ask. The first interview was difficult and revealing. For real? She's going to dig deeper? I have laid my soul and my home open for the Department of Social Services. I'm not sure how much more I have to give before giving up.

Two friends have recently told me that single parenting is hard, difficult, frustrating, exhausting work. Both asked me if I am ready. And honestly, I told them I don’t know.

What am I doing? Is this right? Are my reasons selfish? Am I still pursuing this out of a fear of failure? Can I help someone grow and heal when I have more development of my own to do?

I am scared. And I have doubt.

Home Interview

I think I'm nervous. I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning, running through the list of the things I need to finish today before the home interview.

I have now scrubbed my home clean. Wiped down the kitchen cabinets, cleaned the stove, shampooed the carpet throughout my condo, and dusted EVERYWHERE.

I had to pull myself from the ledge and refrain from power-washing the siding outside. It's too cold.

I think I'm cleaning so much to avoid sitting still and thinking. How invasive will this interview be? And how honest will I be?

It's going down at 1:30.

Ed. Note. Turns out I was really excited about this interview. So excited that I imagined it occurring earlier than scheduled. It's going down NEXT Monday. Wow. I need to get myself together.