Doubt

I claim joy. I claim happiness, success, favor and bounty. Love and wealth are mine.

I call it faith, others may call it positive thinking. I don’t believe in allowing the public to know my personal sadness or disappointment. I will live my life as if it is everything is perfect – and more – in an effort to claim and enjoy my best self.

Always a smile on my face.

But the truth is, I have doubt. I doubt that I have enough parenting/leadership experience to guide a child. I doubt that I’m strong enough, willing enough to help someone else. I doubt that my intentions are enough.

Am I doing this out of loneliness? Am I doing this to fill a void? What is the “right” motivation to have in order to become a foster parent?

I am uncertain if I’m ready to become a foster parent.

My second home interview is scheduled for early February. I am scared of what more the social worker will ask. The first interview was difficult and revealing. For real? She's going to dig deeper? I have laid my soul and my home open for the Department of Social Services. I'm not sure how much more I have to give before giving up.

Two friends have recently told me that single parenting is hard, difficult, frustrating, exhausting work. Both asked me if I am ready. And honestly, I told them I don’t know.

What am I doing? Is this right? Are my reasons selfish? Am I still pursuing this out of a fear of failure? Can I help someone grow and heal when I have more development of my own to do?

I am scared. And I have doubt.