I Said "No."

Last Friday, a DSS social worker called me at work. When I read the caller ID, I knew what the call was about.

"This is it." I thought. "This is your daughter."

As it turns out, once you're an approved foster/adoption parent, DSS social workers will try to place any child with you - regardless of the specifications that you've given.

I've asked for an African-American, female child, ages 8 to 10. However, I've agreed to be an "emergency" foster parent. This means I'd accept any gender, race or age if there's a child needing immediate shelter.

That wasn't the case.

The child in question is a 12 year old, African-American boy. He has ADHD and he takes medicine for it. He won't go to school, and he won't listen to his mother. [We presume the mother is a single parent.] His mom was so frustrated, she called DSS and told them to come and get the child. She no longer wanted him in her home.

That statement alone broke my heart. My brain screamed, "No! No! Nonononononono!" But my heart twinged. And then I heeded my better sense.

If this child refuses to listen to his own mother, there's absolutely nothing that I can do for him. And what if he's 5'10 and weighs 205 lbs? On my best day I'm 5'3. There's no way that child would even respect me as his authority.

So I declined.

This is a glaring reminder that I need to stop playing and finish preparing my home. I need more furniture in my child's room. (But in my defense, I've been on business travel for 1 consecutive month.)

Journey continues.

Approved!

Life has become extremely hectic. I've wanted to blog more about the inefficiencies of my caseworker and the Dept. of Social Services.

But it doesn't even matter. Just 20 minutes ago, I received email notice from my caseworker.

My home study was approved and signed off by her supervisor. I'll receive a certificate next week. 

I am officially able to become a foster parent!

God is awesome. I have been so stressed with work. And I had a wonderful praise session on the metro. I was simply overcome by God's love, goodness and mercy to me. I cried tears of joy on the very public metro, but I didn't care. I was just in a place of praise and thankfulness for my life, job, friends, health.

And then He further blessed me this morning. 

Motherhood is near!

Moving Parts

My 2nd home interview is scheduled next week. It’s clear to me that my caseworker has recently returned to my file and is rushing through it to fill in the blanks.

She called, wondering if my back-up caregiver had filled out the paperwork that authorizes a criminal background check and if my back-up had completed the medical form.

*record scratch*

For real? No, really? Yes, my back-up completed the authorization for the background check. And, um, his check was completed before mine was completed, some time in August 2010.

And in typical DSS form, they’ve introduced yet another requirement: a medical examination. I told my caseworker, this was the first time it’s ever been mentioned to me that my back-up needed a medical examination; this requirement isn’t written anywhere. Nor is there an authorization form for this. I’m growing annoyed with the haphazard, unofficial way DSS introduces new requirements to this process.

And to add insult to injury, my caseworker sent the below email, with the subject line: additional information.

HI,

Your mom was married to your biological father(name) they divorced when you were 6 she then married(name) who cheated on her and they divorced when you were 16. did she remarry after that? if so, then to who.

Wowwwww. So caring of her to 1) condense my life story into a few sentences; 2) recall the sordid details of my past; 3) neglect good grammar; and 4) send this to my business email.

Maybe I’m the fool, because I actually responded, filled in the blanks and corrected misinformation.

So then my caseworker follows up with this email (I changed names):

verification...

You lived with your aunt for about 6 months in NJ. Then you and your mom moved to NY where she met and married STEPFATHER (you were 8 when they married).  In the time between leaving your aunt and your mom re-marrying, you lived in NY and mom was supporting you guys.  Six months after your mom married, STEPFATHER began cheating on her, you confronted him but never told your mom.  They eventually divorced when you were 16.  The middle class life you described is the life with STEPFATHER? Why didn't you guys remain in contact? 

How long after the sexual abuse did you tell your mom.

And then I had to use my words:

CASEWORKER,

These are emotionally challenging questions.

It's also difficult to see my life condensed into a few sentences.

Let's discuss this in person.

Thank you,

I’m committed to honesty and openness about this process. But damn. How are you going to ask me cavalierly about sexual abuse as an aside? And in an email to my business address? There are so many incorrect points in that summation. I alternate between anger, insult, annoyance, shock, disappointment and surprise.

I feel like a moving part. A means to an end.

I can’t even begin to imagine how my child feels after living in multiple foster and group homes, after being ignored or abused. I hope DSS social workers aren’t this impersonal with my child.

I wish DSS would just move out of the way and give me my daughter.